Seniors to enter the Army

The army announced they will open enlistment to all ages and aim to target more senior citizens for the national guard and army reserves.
"We think these fogies have something to offer" said a Pentagon Spokesman, "and also we're having trouble signing people because of that whole '2 weeks a year and it ended up being 2 years and a week off' thing"
The first reason for the recruitment change is obviously the lag in recruiting caused by all the reservists being in Iraq. Apparently the sweet deal that is a little extra side money for having your enlistment lengthened and being in a foreign country and guerilla war for two years isn't worth it.
The army has thus decided that maybe seniors brains have gone to mush and they might sign up. "We admire them for their patriotism and maturity, and also their alzheimers- hopefully they forgot what happened the last couple years to reservists and guardsmen" says Brigadier General GI Joe.
Joe says that seniors will have little trouble adjusting to military life. "Waking up at 4 am and going to bed at 8 pm is normal for them and so is eating crappy food and living on small incomes" said Joe.
The Army says they still have standards though as they refuse to admit seniors with walkers, bladder problems, and ones without pulses buried in the ground.
The boot camp will be slightly modified for the golden aged recruits. Beans and ham will be changed to sandwiches, matter of fact, all the food will be changed to sandwiches. They are expected to have a ton of different sandwiches though.
One of the main jobs they expect seniors to fill will be that of humvee drivers. "The way they swerve around and apaprently have no control of their vehicle will confuse the terrorists and it will save lives" says one recruiter. Also, not being able to see that well will help them not buckle under the pressure that is driving through a war zone.
Seniors say a lot of good benefits come from joining the army. "Good ass medical insurance, clothes that were made in this century, and lots of free sandwiches" is one senior's response on why he is signing up.
The army has prepared for the seniors by bringing back horses to the military, cutting medical insurance benefits, and referring to Iraqi insurgents as those "jap bastards."
"I still remember Pearl Harbor, and I remember the Maine too" says an old man who is planning on entering. He said he tried to sign up for the "fishing and drinking beer" division of the Army and was disappointed to find out that there was none.
The experiment will last until 2008 when statistics will be analyzed but Brigadier General Joe expects the system to thrive. "Let's face it, our population is becoming more and more aged. Some have even suggested this as a major way to solve the social security issue. Either they have a job and are making money or they 'don't have to worry' about retirement anymore, if you get my drift" says Joe.
They are hoping to get at least 3,000 recruits a month, and will mostly recruit at places like restaurants early in the morning, bowling alleys in the middle of the day, and anywhere where people go to waste time.
Some Army recruiters have hosted bingo and run ads during Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune to attract their attention. One recruiter got many old people's attention by simply running across their lawn. The same recruiter told us that he got many sign-ups by simply listening to the "long, boring, egotistical bullshit stories that come out of these people's mouths."