Laziness

I think the number one enemy of all society is laziness. You might think that a simple solution would be Mexican genocide, but that's simply racist and unreliable.
Another enemy of society is boredom, a frequent topic on this site. I think that something that inspires a lot of boredom is playing with small children, like my own 19 month old ray of sunshine.
Sometimes it is fun just because I enjoy her reaction, most times the actual playtime content is an utter BOREATHON. The other day we were playing blocks and when she finally insisted on letting my conceptually elegant structures stand, she insisted on replacing the top portions with blocks that didn't make any architectual sense. Replacing a framed set of three blocks with nothing but an upward pointing right triangle may be artistically postmodern, but to me it makes no sense. I had the feeling she was removing and placing blocks for only its own sake.
In her playhouse in the backyard, i came up with a terrific role-play in which we would "feed" the baby (fake) grass, in order to act out one of our own favorite and recognizable rituals, mealtime. She thought it necessary to continue to pull and collect grass to a point that I no longer saw a corollary with our own actual institutional version. Bordering on the absurd already, it became more about pulling grass out of the ground instead of mimicking our own practical cultural behavior.
So my solution to all of this? Banged my wife.
Yeah, it seems like a ridiculous step but for almost pure solution-proposing reasons, but banging my wife would bring about a natural playmate for our young daughter. This other small child, in time, would become as enthralled with these mundane activities as the first. Therefore, they could perpetually entertain each other, leaving Dad to aimlessly wander the internet and update his fantasy baseball team's lineup and roster.

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Oh, would I?

There are abandoned blogs everywhere. People have something to say and then whether they are sick of nobody caring what they have to say or what, they stop. I stopped. Now I begin again. Let's lay down on this couch for a moment...
What does 26 year old me have in common with 21 year old me? It might be boring, but I am just a more mature version of myself. I have similar values, but toned down in areas and more responsible in others. That's it. No real fucking epiphany man. I even work the same job I did then.
Now, this might be why I have decided to post about this. I am finally about to graduate school and so I am feeling a similar feeling to what I did then, the feeling that I am standing before the grand canyon. What the fuck am I going to do? (That's what I'm thinking) And then I just shout in to the canyon, or cyberspace.
We all know people everywhere have these similar feelings. Hell, Mark David Chapman killed a guy, the Graduate was a great movie, Waiting is not as great but still good, and a host of other "art imitates life" moments have been bestowed upon us.
I will tell you what is a real difference between now and then - my wife and child. These two people make it seem like whatever I do, I'll be okay.

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AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Excellent nap. What's up? Somebody should clean up around here. Fucking spamments.

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Oh, how the time passes

I like to go back and read this blog every once in awhile. It reminds me of the days before I turned 21. Since then, my life has consisted of a bunch of obstacles on the way to a weekend of getting obnoxiously drunk. I write on my myspace blog a decent amount, but I think I am going to switch back to here.

I guess the point is that it's funny to read me and my blartner's opinions and think about a time in my life where I began college with few friends and fewer hobbies. This blog filled that gap for both of us I am pretty sure. Since then, I have made a plethora of friends, figured out my major, sucked ass in college only to realize that I need to grind out my super-senior year to get going with life. Most of my philosophical problems now deal with my future. The words "my future" encompass a great deal, including what kind of person I want to be, what job I want to have, and what kind of female I would most enjoy having sex with, if not multiple females.

So my year-plus hiatus will end with the fact that not everything I say will be funny because who can be funny everyday if you're just not that funny? I don't know, ask my mom, she's not funny.

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Bored at Work, Too Cool to Do Work

I feel I must comment on some of the most frustrating and downright annoying habits of this pathetic species (I'm speaking as an intellectually superior alien):

First off, these "dead baby" jokes are just ridiculous. No really, more than they are intended to be. What people have lost grasp of is the reason these so-called jokes were funny in the first place. Dead babies in a particular situation wasn't the joke, but rather the insensitivity and casual reference to dead babies BEING IN a situation. Get it? Let me explain it more clearly.

Examples: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What do these jokes have in common? EVERYTHING. Here is the structure:

Any question with "baby" as the noun.
Any sentence whatsoever that refers to the baby being dead.

My point? One joke is enough! You earthlings are so retarded I'm surprised you didn't die as a baby. Continuously making different questions and answers doesn't make the joke any more witty or funny. A "dead baby" joke is one single joke that is said a thousand different ways. It's not funny when you make up a new one. You're not clever. All you're doing is showing the world that while some homo sapiens (and other mammals, insects, plants, and the yet-to-be-discovered-by-man Glyphertinis Hypro, more commonly known as manbearpig) are producing thoughts and having blood flow through the brain, you are not and are therefore a waste of space.

At a distant second on my list of annoyances is despite your claims to have learned when you were four Earth-years breathing, you still can't read your own language. Countless times humans stare at a sign and ignore it as though it is beyond their comprehension. The most recent and ongoing example is that these people stand in a doorway literally 3 feet away from a sign that is large and at eye-level that reads (Line Starts At Chairs Behind You). They cannot look around it so they all see it when they stand at the door. Yet they continue to stand there instead of turning around and going to the chairs. Despite my knowledge of the 28 known universes, time travel, the 11 dimensions, and safety pins, I cannot form a theory regarding this habit. It is truly beyong me and it frustrates me so much. I shall continually urge Lord Mathlazar to unmake Earth's existence.

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Pope

Ok so the Pope said some stuff quoting an emperor when he was in battle as saying that Muhammad's teachings are "evil and inhumane" because he said Muhammad believes that fighting can spread his faith. The emperor went on to say how violence cannot possibly be the legitimate way of spreading faith (let alone credibility). By the pope quoting this guy, Muslims went hysterical and got angry because apparently quoting some guy is the same thing as flat out calling them a jew. Ok ok just kidding, but really though. These Muslims are mad because of what? Was the emperor's quote so outrageous and untrue? Is that what Muslims feel and that's why they are mad that it is being repeated? Are they unjustly being viewed as violent and fanatical? Apparently, and so a few of them decided to kill an Italian nun over the Pope's speech so that this is no longer an unjustly claim. Thank you guys! Why can't you guys get on a magic carpet and fly through the air like the stereotype of the Arabs back in the day? But when it comes to violence in the name of Islam, you'll make sure to never shed the stereotype. Good job.

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Sup JEWY JEWFACE JEW JEW

So my urge to write is greater than my urge to be substantive. Guess who's problem that is? Yours. This is because you have read this far and are continuing to read hoping that there might be some point or value in the next word, phrase, sentence. Too bad.
So there I was, head empty, staring out over 4 foot chop before someone blared out, "Pull in the fucking line, what're you fucking sleeping or something?"

At that moment I longed to be there as much as I longed to be on the receiving end of a stingray barb to the chest. What a ridiculous amount of boredom this has become with the staring, receiving of the abuse, and the drifting.

And what was that in the water? I am pretty sure it was Pat O'Brien in full illusion that the waves were a lawn chair and he was calmly projecting up in to the sky, "Help me, for I am lost at sea"

I said, "Pat, do you mean you're stuck reporting about the trivialities of people who need more airtime as much as they need more people thinking they do. I hate you. bye Pat."

Anyone have a topic? Help me out.

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Thirsty?

"The August 2006 cover of Babytalk magazine. Readers of a US parenting magazine are crying foul over the publication's latest cover depicting a woman breastfeeding, with some calling the photo offensive and disgusting(AFP/HO)"


Disgusting? Offensive? Is that what they tell their kids so they can let them sit there thirsty and hungry? I think it's the new way around abortion. Oh, and no one besides mothers read this magazine anyway. That's why it says "STRAIGHT TALK FOR NEW MOMS." I hate this new age sensitivity and I hate Loose Change.

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Inspired

Wooo. Someone accidentally was routed here and left a comment. This has inspired me to say something. What I wanted to say is how incredibly lucky I am that dirt is free.

Usually that sentence ends in something romantic or dopey. Plus there is this sign by my house where a new house is being built and it says "free dirt" and it makes me laugh. Other things that make me laugh: thinking about how stupid and easily tricked babies are and angelina jolie. That's it.
I heard a good joke the other day. What's the difference between a porcupine and a cop car? In a cop car, the pricks are on the inside.

Next I want to talk about the onset of World War 3. Has anyone been watching the news lately? Tina Fey is leaving SNL for christ sake. Ten bucks Israel attacks Lebanon over this.

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My Mom thinks I'm a drunk

I'm not really a drinker. I never drink during the week, I don't even like the taste of alcohol. For like the last 8 weekends though, I have been good and piss drunk. I turned 21 a couple of months ago so it's all good you'd think. I don't drink and drive. Isn't it acceptable to be a little hungover on Sunday morning? What if it was Saturday and Sunday morning? Getting really drunk twice in a weekend must be comparable to being in the NFL. Come Monday, all you do is discover all the cuts and bruises you have while walking around feeling like a senior citizen from pure fatigue.

Stupid mom.

Another good thing to talk about is that magical line between obnoxious and fun. I like to cross it. If people start to think, "Hey this guy's the party. How fun." I like to do something outrageous like break something or pull out a gun and shoot in to the air or maybe even a crowd.

One more point is how sorry I feel for all the generations who came before us. Where would they go eat after the bar? They'd have to barbecue because there were no 24 hour diners or Taco Bells or anything. That's almost the best part.

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My favorite joke

This is one I always tell:

These two guys are sitting next to each other on an airplane when they both realize they both have black eyes. The one guy turns to the other and asks how he got his black eye.
"Funny story, it's one of those word-mix-up type events. I was at the ticket counter and the counter lady had huge boobs and I meant to say , 'Can I have a ticket to Pittsburgh?' but I accidentally said, 'Can I have a picket to Tittsburgh?' and she punched me in the eye. How'd you get your black eye"
The other guy responds, "How crazy? It is also one of those word-mix-up type events. I was sitting in the kitchen and my wife was cooking breakfast and I meant to say, 'Can I have some bacon'n'eggs?' and I accidentally said, 'You stupid bitch, you ruined my life.'"

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People are needy

Here's a lesson: people are needy. Mostly, they are needy for attention. It's a sickness that we all have and some people more than others. When I say "some", I mean "you".
Now, why are you so needy? I think it stems from either low self-esteem or low wit or maybe it's even psychological. Who knows, you figure it out.

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Happy Mother's Day

I just want to let my mom know how much I want her to do my FUCKING LAUNDRY NOW! I SAID NOW!

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It's up to you.

I was just about to eat my fruit snack box of raisins when I opened the lid and the inside said "It's up to you." I searched the box for answers to what that meant when I noticed that these sun-made raisins were labeled Sun-MAID, referring directly to the feminine stereotype. Searching more vigorously now, I uncover a code on one of the tabs, 2010-07. It was right next to the nutrition facts, where, curiously enough, the total grams of carbs and sugars added to the percent iron equaled 69, another reference to women. This had something to do with a girl. The woman on the front of the box may have been Jesus' wife. It dawned on me then that I was hungry and ate the raisins.

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Dear Idiots...

People are so stupid sometimes, especially about math. The best evidence for this is the current gas hike and also the current trend for "lower" gas prices. The other day, a local gas station was found to be rigging their pumps and thus were fined out of business and the rest of the gas was to be given away at 50 cents a gallon off the normal rate.

WHAT A DEAL, YAY.

So of course 7 million people showed up and people were waiting more than an hour to get this special rate of gas. Ok, let's say you have a 15 gallon tank. You save yourself $7.50. You're going to wait in a stupid line for hours for SEVEN DOLLARS?!? I still see people wait half an hour to get gas that is like 8 cents cheaper than everywhere else. Again, the math says they are waiting half an hour for $1.20 but do they even think about that? NOPE. They think like this-

Thought 1: I know that I have to buy a lot of gallons.
Thought 2: That is a small amount but there is a lot of gallons of gas.
Concluding thought: This must mean that by the end of the 4 million gallons of gas I have to buy, that I will be saving 4 million times 4 cents which is a lot of money.

This goes for anything. Sour cream at Costco is only a savings if you ever use that much sour cream. Routinely, people don't work the math out in their heads and business people know that and trick them all the time like the lemmings they are.

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It's hard out here for a pimp

Seriously, it is. Just lettin' you guys know.

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What sound does a llama make?

Nothing's going on. Shit. Seriously, I have been reading Tucker Max stories all day thanks to a link from the Tiger. Tucker Max is [in]famous because he has ADD and is smart. This combination leads him to be a very bored person. The way he entertains himself are to do outrageous things that always push the boundaries of what we accept in society, from crazy homeless people.

So it's interesting to read what he has to say. It also makes me feel like the most boring person alive. Besides my blog being about his blog, who has the energy to even do all the shit he does? Someone with ADD, that's who. I am not going to say the obscure references aren't his own little salute to his intelligence either. He kind of reminds me of the Game by Neil Strauss. He should be in the movie.

I also have to take credit from him because he has a rich kid. Who couldn't fuck around all day if they didn't have to work?

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Oh no, two posts in two days...

Oh my so I am back in to the blogosphere. I don't think I am quite coherent but I can write like a mofo anyway! So like we're playing pool and this kid who is butt raping the table kept bitching about us asking him to get the fuck out of the way like he is a champ or something. Holy shit you fuckface, we're just trying to play pool. It made me want to get a firearm and a fireleg and set him on fire with it.

Can we just become regular readers again and forgive all the absences? I love you all.

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Let's say hi

Well, I am so insanely bored right now, that I think it is time to start speaking to the anonymous world once again.
Let's talk for a moment about heroes. Heroes according to the definition of Drew and Mike, are those guys who always have to save or stick up for girls. You know the scenario:

Guy: Whatever fatso!
Girl: Did you call me fat?
Hero: Hey, don't be such a dick dude...
Guy: Hey [insert hero's name], nobody's impressed.
Hero: I wasn't trying to be impressive, you were being a dick.
Guy: I'm pretty sure I was joking around until you decided to try to stick out from the crowd because you don't have any game. You're such an embarassment to PUA's everywhere.
Girl: I am going to go make out with some chicks now.
Girl 2: Oh that's hot, let's invite our friends.
Girls 3-15: Let's all take a shower together. Oh my this is so fun, let's put this on the web.

So you see how this scenario works itself out? Always the same every time.

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I have things to say

Believe me, I will start posting again soon once my internship ends. Things I have lined up to bitch about:
heroes
polygamy
news
jews
booze
foos

I was playing jewsball with a couple of foos when the booze came on which made me want to drink some news.

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