Energy Chi Taz Wizzamabang Nutrition Ltd.

These are not justified, not researched, and so are all complete conjecture. I thought I would join in though on the science crockery that is nutrition. If you try to link me to some study proving the health benefits of Cheerios, then I will have you hooked on to a pocket bike and dragged until you die agonizingly at 23 mph 4 hours later. Most of what it is a healthy diet is aimed at improving your energy chi taz wizzamabang zones.

1. Eat more meat- One thing my anthropologist professor goes on and on about is how primitive cultures only got about 20% of their caloric content from meat and that most was from gathering. This proves that primitive nutrition involves less meat, thus meaning advanced nutrition involves more. I propose that at least 50% of your calories should come from meat. It helps your energy chi taz wizzamabang zones because what you're doing is consuming part of the soul of the dead animal. Souls are good for your energy chi taz wizzamabang zones.
2. Fry things- Fat things taste good for a reason. The human race didn't survive because we ate shitty ass bok choy, we survived because we ate lard and fatty things. Fat is an efficient calorie store, and thus fry everything. I fried an english muffin one time in a crazy binge with my deep fat fryer and the english muffin was thus improved. Fry anything you can.
3. Cheese makes everything better- Cheese makes almost anything better so add cheese. The grass in the field has a certain amount of energy chi taz wizzamabang points and they get multiplied for each stomach a cow has. You then get to drink the juice that is cow and thus your ECTW points go up.
4. I can believe it's not butter, yet use it anyway- It says on the bottle it has no calories, so you won't get fat eating it. What it is made out of is anyone's guess, and mine is some sort of plastic mixed with deer antlers. The fact is that it makes corn on the cob not only more practical, but more delicious as well. Real butter gets to be a pain in the ass to put on there, and you need all the butter you have to go to Macaroni and Cheese making.
5. Never drink diet- Although this seems to contradict number 4, natural law provides that I can never contradict myself. The fact is that whatever makes diet, diet, probably gives you cancer and AIDS as well. All artificial sweeteners are like sprinkling AIDS on your drink.
6. Ethnic foods- There's no reason to go to Mexico or China because the finest of both countries are already here. Might I recommend the following order- Burrito Especial (.99), Beef Combo burrito (1.29), and regular crunchy taco (.69). This is about 3 bucks and change and has proven to lower the risk of pancreatic cancer, tennis elbow, and healthyitis. Chinese food is also the best so eat it as often as you can. It contains a lot of msg which has been targeted as the reason that those people in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon could walk in the air and stuff. It really helps boost your energy chi taz wizzamabang.
7. Drink coffee and tea- Buy it from Starbucks because they have a special ECTW ingredient add-in. The more you pay, the more ECTW there is. This message has been brought to you by the wonderful people at Starbucks.
8. Drink heavily- This isn't really bodily healthy, it's more spiritual healthy. Getting drunk is like letting your spirit free. Let your spirit free most of your days, and you will thank me in a couple years. You will realize how much life sucked when you weren't in a constant drunked stupor.
9. Hate french people- No explanation needed why this is part of a healthy diet.
10. Hot dogs, sausages- This could involve any sort of meat that is a cornucopia of animal parts. When you smash them all together and eat them, it may be a little hard to digest, but that just let's you know that you're eating something that will make you live longer. Longer to digest=longer life.

That is it. Follow these tips and pay me lot's of money for "health foods and guides" and you will live to be 115. In case that you do not live to be this age, feel free to sue me.