Food Pyramid Changed

The food pyramid has changed to twelve different tables to better fit each individual's lifestyle.
"Americans are getting fatter and fatter, we thought it was time for a more practical change. We also like to justify our jobs as health experts." said one scientist Uriel Phat.
Many Americans probably either won't notice or won't pay attention because of how ridiculous the food pyramid is. The first one was introduced in 1993 and the populace has gradually become more and more obese.
"The first one wanted me to eat fuckin like 10 pieces of bread a day. Fuck that." said one person who hasn't seen the new guide yet.
Scientists believe that the way things are going, the current generation may be the first one in years to not live longer than their parents did. This reporter would look at the site but it won't fucking load.
"That's the government for you. They make this new program and you can't even fucking view it. I'm trying to do a story here for christ sake."
Scientists have offered a lot of possible solutions and all they could come up with was to change the pyramid like people cared in the first place. Some revolutionary scientists proposed encouraging bullemia and anorexia.
"We don't think it's a bad way to go. Of course we'd modify them to allow vitamins and water to be intaken but in general, people with these disorders have the will power to sustain a fat-free lifestyle" said one scientist.
This news comes on the heels of "the usual barrage of uncertain health tips every week". Everyone in the world has an idea of what will work when it comes to diet, but most agree that plastic surgery is the best way to go.
It doesn't remove the cholesterol that causes health problems, but it makes you look better cosmetically and that is obvious a plus for the rest of us. Some say that we don't need people living longer anyway with the high costs of social security and medicare. Live fat and happy and die they say.
The new guidelines suggest that if you lost weight and want to keep it off, you must exercise for 90 minutes a day.
"Are they crazy? Everyday they want me to exercise for an hour and a half? I doubt chasing caribou around 10,000 years ago produced that much exercise everyday" said one dieter.